Family Can Drive You Crazy
by Gerynss
Summary: Emma, Regina and Neal have called it truce, for Henry's sake, but that doesn't mean they won't find ways to annoy the living hell out of each other. A bunch of one-shots of their shenanigans. Inspired by a gifet by tumblr user zephyroh. This is my first fic so please be nice, Read and Review!
1. Someday my prince will come

**OUAT (sadly) does not belong to me. All rights go to the creators.**

**This was inspired by a gif by tumblr user Zephyroh.**

**This is my first fic so please be nice.**

Regina got out of her car and briskly walked into her mansion. She found her way to the liquor cabinet and opened it. What she found annoyed her. The _most _expensive bottle of scotch was gone.

'_Swan or Cassidy probably took it_.' She thought to herself, fuming. Regina took the next best thing, poured herself a glass and settled into a chair, waiting for her 'co-parents", as Neal insisted to call each other, to arrive with a half empty bottle.

Regina waited and waited. She waited until 9 p.m. That's when she began to worry. Emma hadn't called to check up on Henry yet, who was fast asleep in his room. She usually called every night at around 8 to 9 whenever Henry had his month-long sleepovers. Now that she thought about it, she hadn't heard from Emma or Neal all day. By 9:30 Regina had wrapped herself up in her coat and scarf to look for the two morons, her first stop, Granny's.

* * *

Regina walked up to Ruby and asked, "Have you seen Emma or Neal?"

"Sorry, you're Majesty, but we're closed." Ruby replied, dismissively.

"I know that Ruby, I'm just asking if you saw them or if they passed by." Regina replied.

Ruby hesitated, "They were here earlier, talking about movies or something."

"Do you know where they went?" Ruby eyed her, suspicious. "Oh, relax; I won't rip out their hearts or anything.

Ruby tilted her head upward and sniffed the air, "They went that way." She said, pointing in the direction of the Charmings' house.

* * *

Later, while walking down Queen Street to the Charmings, Regina got a call. She glanced at the caller I'D and answered it,

"What is it Belle?" she snapped.

"Can you please get Emma and Baelfire out of the library? They've been here for hours, and, I can hear them singing through the floor boards."

"What…Why are they… you know what, never mind, I'm on my way." Regina sighed, wondering why they would go to the library, when, they don't even read.

"Oh and…you might need to bring fresh clothes for Baelfire."

"It's NEAL!" Regina heard Neal's slurred voice in the background. "N-E-A-L!" Then, she hung-up the phone and walked back to her car.

* * *

Regina didn't know what to expect when she walked into that library, she assumed that Emma and Neal were drunk, singing a bunch of songs she didn't know. The first thing she noticed was her bottle of scotch, empty, on the floor next to an old television set showing some cartoon mermaid singing and dancing. The second thing she noticed was Emma, who somehow got herself at the top of a book-shelf, singing, off key, at the top of her lungs.

"SOME DAY, MY PRINCE WILL COME!"

"Swan, get down from there!"

"SOME DAY WE'LL MEET AGAIN!" Emma continued.

Regina heard laughing behind her. She turned around to see a red- faced Neal, The front if his shirt covered in vomit.

"AND AWAY TO HIS CASTLED WE'LL GO!" Neal sung.

"TO BE HAPPY FOREVER I KNO-" Emma fell off the bookshelf and landed face- first on the ground.

"EMMA!" Neal yelled and ran toward her, only to trip on his feet and fall on a pile of books. Regina rolled her eyes and walked toward the groaning duo.

"Get up, both of you." She said, taking both of their arms and draping them across her shoulders. "We're going to my house." Regina looked up and saw Belle looking down at her with tired eyes.

"I'll make sure this doesn't happen again, Miss French." Belle started to say something, but, instead, let out a huge yawn and left for her room.

* * *

The ride home wasn't pleasant. With the constant singing and the smell of Neal's vomit, it was her second worst car ride.

"Tale as old as time," Emma sang quietly "True as it can be/ barely even friends/ when somebody bends/ unexpectedly."

Neal started snickering uncontrollably.

We…should…have sung…that…to Belle." Neal commented, his words being interrupted by his own hiccups and giggle fits.

"Oh! Regina, I have a song for you!" Emma exclaimed, "POOR UNFORTUNATE SOU-." Regina turned the radio volume, drowning out Emma's singing. Although she didn't like the song that was playing, which was some little kid singing about babies or something, she decided it was better than listening to Emma sing while flailing her arms around.

* * *

Soon, they returned to her mansion and dragged both into her living room. She made them lie down on the couches while she found some blankets and pillows. She threw them to the pair, and turned off the lights.

"Now go to sleep." Regina ordered.

"Okay, night, night" Emma murmured.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite! Neal finished laughing loudly at his 'clever' rhyme.

"Shut it Cassidy, you'll wake up Henry." With that, Regina went upstairs to her room, and collapsed onto her bed.

* * *

The next morning, was a Saturday, so Regina got up to make Henry's favourite, egg omelet with cinnamon topped hot chocolate. When she reached the kitchen Emma was already awake and quietly stirring a cup o coffee.

"Good morning!" Regina chirped loudly and much more cheerily than she usually preferred, which made Emma cringe and Neal to wake up moaning.

"Morning, mom." She heard Henry reply, as he walked sleepily down the stairs. "And…mom… and dad? What are you two doing here?"

"Oh, you know, to say hello." Emma answered.

"Mom I heard you making breakfast from upstairs; you're not usually this loud." Henry said directing his attention to Regina while he sat next to Emma.

"Yes, well, I have my reasons."

Regina reached for the eggs and cracked them extra loudly over the bowl making Neal and Emma groan quietly. Then she reached for the electric mixer and turned it on putting it on high, not caring how the omelet may turn out.

"Aaaaaargh, Make it stop! My head is killing me!" Neal moaned into his pillows.

Henry looked back and forth between his parents, confused and asked loudly,

"What's going on guys?" making Emma groan and rest her forehead on the cool counter.

"That'll teach them not to empty my, 5,000 dollar, 40 year Glengoyne." Regina muttered to herself, before turning to Henry. "Nothing Henry, we just have a little…argument."

"Yeah kid, nothing evil or magic related, nothing to worry about." Emma assured him.

"Now eat up, I made you your favourite." Regina said handing him a plate of an egg omelet with mint and apples on the side.

"Thanks, by the way I have a science project to do with Grace, do you mind dropping me off at her house?"

"Sure thing."

* * *

After dropping off Henry at Jefferson's place, Regina returned home to find Neal fully awake drinking coffee with Emma. Both of them were a bit more sober.

"Singing 'My Prince Will Come' at the top of the library while completely drunk? Really Swan?" Regina asked when she stormed into the house.

Emma hesitated, "For my defense…it was Neal's idea."

"It was hilarious! It was a shame you missed that, Regina." Neal commented, placing his coffee mug in the sink.

"You two are going to apologize to Belle _and_ pay for the damage."

"Damage? What Damage?"

"The bookshelf, tears in multiple books, the TV set from Gold's shop, my bottle of scotch, need I go on?" Regina asked.

"Fine we'll pay for the damage and your booze, how much could that cause anyways?"

"It's $1,500 for the damage and $5,000 for my bottle of scotch." Regina stated.

"WHAT? Where are we supposed to get $6,000?" Asked Emma.

"Not my problem." Regina said as she walked away, planning for a way to get back at the two.

**So what do you think? please revied and/or leave suggestions.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**~Gerynss**


	2. A for Apple, B for Ball, what about C?

**Once again OUAT does not belong to me. **

**Sorry for taking so long I had a combonation of writers block ,no time and no motivation. I'll try to update sooner next time.**

**Enjoy! **

* * *

Regina sat by her desk rhythmically tapping her fingers, thinking of ways to go get back at Emma and Neal. She sighed it had been more than a week since Emma and Neal wrecked the library and she still hadn't found a way to humiliate them. She considered using magic, but she promised henry it would be for emergencies only; and this time she would not fall back into her bad habit.

'_This is ridiculous'_ Regina thought to herself '_we're adults, it's a waste of time to pull pranks on each other. For once I will be the bigger person. _I _won't make _their_ life a living hell_.' Just then, her phone rang.  
"Mayor's office"  
"Hey Regina, Henry didn't come home school today. Did he skip school? Because I thought we agreed he wouldn't skip school unless he was actually sick."

"What? No, Neal dropped him off this morning."

"Hey Regina, have you seen my scarf? Henry borrowed it the other day." Neal asked as he walked into her office.

"Where's Henry?" Regina demanded.

Neal raised his eyebrow, "What do you mean? I dropped him off at school today. He told me he would walk home by himself."

"Well he isn't here." Regina snapped, her voice was raised an octave.

"Hello, still on the phone," Emma reminded her, "Who's there?"

"Neal."

"Put me on speaker."

Regina pressed the speaker button and motioned Neal to come over.

"I dropped him off at school Emma." Neal repeated himself. "I saw him go into the school, I waved good-bye. Are you sure he's just not late? He was pretty quiet this morning, and didn't he say he had a project to work on?"

"That was like last week. Where were you the past few days?" Regina asked.

"I was trying to forgive, and considering, trying to bond with my father and possible future step-mother." Neal stated. "I still find it weird that Belle is closer in age range to me than papa."

"That's the thing you find weird? Not the fact that – "

Regina clapped her hands to get their attention.

"Henry. Not Home. We don't know where he is. We can talk about our messed up family later. Emma meet us at the park." With that, she hung-up.

* * *

A few minutes later, the three were at the park anxiously hoping for some good news from one another. Just then Emma's phone rang.

"Hello...yeah...ok thanks Ruby." Neal and Regina looked at her expectantly "That was Ruby, Henry's at Granny's"

"Wait, how does she know we're looking for him?"

"She doesn't, she just said that he's been there for a while, staring at his hot chocolate."

"That doesn't sound like our Henry." Regina observed. "We better go see what's going on."

While on their way to the car, they ran into Belle and Rumplestiltskin. Both were smiling and talking with their arms linked.

"Hello you three." Belle greeted them cheerfully. "It's good to see Henry getting into more educational books. Although, I'm curious, why is he trying to learn so many words?"

"What are you talking about? Henry hates non-fiction books, he likes to, as he would say 'get lost in a different life'." Neal asked, puzzled.

"Well apparently he does now." Belle responded, "See you later for dinner." and continued her stroll with Rumplestilstiltskin.

"Dinner?" Emma asked.

"Forgiving, bonding, family stuff." Neal brushed off, "Why was he looking up words? By the way Regina, can I use your car tonight, the buggy is getting an oil change"

"I don't know, let's go to him and ask, and fine, just don't scratch it." Regina suggested.

"Maybe he's trying to impress a girl..." Neal thought out loud "I bet it's Grace, Jefferson's already friends with Regina so that could work."

For the rest of the walk, the ladies listened to Neal's musings and theories to why Henry even bothered taking out dictionaries and thesauruses.

* * *

When they finally reached Granny's, Henry was the only one in the diner.

"Henry!" Regina cried with relief.

"Huh? Oh, hi guys."

The next ten minutes were agonizing for Henry, listening to his parents giving three separate, but loud, lectures at the same time made it very hard to concentrate. All he heard were snippets of cliché lines for parents.

"You had us worried sick!"

"I thought the worst!"

"Next time, tell us where you're going!"

"Don't ever scare us like that again!" His parents said all at once.

"Okay! I'm sorry it won't happen again, I guess I just forgot to call you guys."

Regina looked at him with concern.

"Henry, sweetie, what's wrong? Ruby said that you've been here for hours and Belle said you looked at a lot of dictionaries and-"

"Is it a girl? I bet it's for a girl? Is it Grace?" Neal interrupted.

"Neal! Don't pressure him." Emma scolded

"Sorry."

"No it's not for a girl." Henry answered.

Just then Ruby came over and took out a notepad, "You guys going to order something or not?" Both Emma and Neal shook their heads.

"I'll have lasagna, to go."

"Alright." Ruby noted, a bit disappointed she had more work to do.

"I'm going to wash my hands." Regina announced getting up and walking to the bathroom.

* * *

On her wait back to the booth, Ruby handed Regina her lasagna. Regina noticed that Emma and Neal were still asking questions. When she was within an ear shot she heard Henry ask,

"What's a clitoris?"

Regina stopped in her tracks. Neal and Emma stopped talking.

"Excuse me?" Emma asked, slightly terrified.

"I heard the older kids about it earlier." Henry explained

'_No. I am not giving him _that _talk_.' Regina told herself '_Lie. Make up an excuse to leave_.'

"Um, I just realized I have a lot of paperwork to sign." Regina said walking towards the booth. "Henry you could stay with Emma tonight, and Neal, here," she tossed him the car keys, "I'll walk home." As she walked closer to Neal and Emma, she whispered, "This is for my scotch." and walked out the door.

* * *

Later that night after a long, uncomfortable talk with Henry and a rather interesting dinner with papa and Belle, Neal was driving home. Too late, he spotted skunk on the road, he swerved and narrowly missed the creature. Unfortunately for the car, its side was scrapped by the nearby lamp post. Neal stepped out of the car to inspect the scratch, crossing his fingers for small or not at all noticeable. It was a meter long.

"Oh crap. Regina is going to kill me."

**hope you enjoyed it!**

**If you haven't figured out I like writing dialogue over descriptions. I dunno I just do.**

**please feel free to review and/or give chapter suggestions and see you next time.**

**~Gerynss**


	3. please don't be mad

**Hi guys!**

**First of all, to the people who pointed out my step-mother/mother-in-law mistake, thank you, I fixed it and I have no excuse to why I messed that up.**

**Secondly I wrote most of this out before Quiet Minds so I'm sorry for all the jokes about Neal, you'll se what I mean.**

**And of course OUAT and it's characters do not belong to me they belong to Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Ohhh crap Regina is going to kill me." Neal muttered to himself as he began to drive Regina's car to the auto shop. He knew there wasn't much of a chance for it to be open, but he desperatly hoped that he could sneak the car in some how.

Unfortunately for Neal, all of the doors were shut and locked down, but being the theif and pickpocketer he was, for who knows how long, he was able to unlock the door and lift the door to get in. He then used the lever to bring the door high enough so that the car would fit. He walked back to the car, took a deep, tired breath and continued to push it into the shop. Neal was suprised nobody had heard him pushing the stupid car, he was basically Tarzan, grunting, groaning and imitating various forest animals, thankfully, half-way through he realized that he could just drive thecar in. Once he parked the car, he found a pen and a peice of paper and wrote,

Dear worker,

Sorry I broke into your shop but this car needs fixing,

It's the que's mayor's Regina's so please fix a.s.a.p

From Neal

P.s. please don't tell Regina

When Neal was satisfied with the letter, he left it on the hood of the car with $50 and walked back home.

* * *

The next day, early morning, Neal was walking down the street to the auto shop, while keeping an eye out for Regina.

Across the street, Emma and Henry were walking side by side chatting to nowhere in particular.

"Dad! Hey dad!" Henry shouted from across the street, " Who would win in a fight batman or iron man?" he asked as he crossed the street.

"Iron, duh, why?"

"Ha!"

"What," Emma exclaimed. "Batman would totally win."

"Okay Emma, I admit, with hand to hand combat Batman would definitely win, but Tony has a suit that blast shi...st."

"Batman has his brains!"

"mom, a suit that flies and shoots repulsor rays." Henry argued.

"Okay, fine, whatever." Emma surrendered, "So, Neal how was dinner with your dad and Belle?"

" It was...it was good. There was a lot of crying, mostly from papa."

"Just 'papa'?"

"I may have cried a bit." Neal admitted.

"Hey, where are you heading anyway?" Emma asked.

"The auto shop, I accidentally, sorta, scratched Regina's car. Now I'm scared that she might get mad."

"That's okay dad it's just a car, it's not like she uses it anyways." Henry said, "Just tell her, I'm sure she'll be fine."

* * *

Later that day, Neal met Regina at Granny's. They were sitting across from each other, Neal impatiently tapping the table.

"Why did you call me to meet you here?" Regina asked.

"Just wait a minute." Neal responded.

After a few awkward minutes, Ruby showed up with a huge ice cream sundae and put it im front of Neal. He pushed the sundae towards Regina with a nervous smile.

"It's on me." Neal stated, "because is crashed your car." he mumbled

"What's this for?" Regina questioned pointing to the sundae.

"Precautions."

Regina studied him for a few seconds.

"Okay, what did you do again,Neal?"

"Well, I kind of... may have... crashed your car. Actually, it's more like a scratch, yeah, scratch is a better word for it. But I'll pay for it! I'll pay for the mechanic to fix it. I mean Henry said you wouldn't get mad, so please don't be mad, my dad's the Dark One, he'll be mad if I get hurt. you scare me..." Neal continued to ramble while Regina listened and ate her ice cream. Neal kept rambling until Regina asked,

"Are you really that afraid of me Cassidy?"

"Well, once you're mad you get all dramatic and freaky." Neal answered timidly.

"Neal, I have two cars and I'm pretty sure I gave you the keys to the stationwagon, I'm not mad." Regina reasoned.

"Yeah... you gave me the keys to the cool black one." Neal said sheepishly.

Regina and began to stare at him with a plastic smile.

"Neal Cassidy you are dead."

"Okay. you're mad. I'm leaving." Neal stood up, put enough money for the sundae and a tip and left Regina conteplating in the diner.

* * *

"Hey guys." Neal greeted Henry and Emma as he walked between the pair.

"No, go ahead. It's not like we were talking about anything important." Emma said.

"Oh, were you?"

"Nah, just Avengers againts Justice league." Henry amswered.

"Okay, good. So I told Regina about the car. I think she's planning my murder."

"Well it's nice knowing you know, dad."

Neal looked at Emma with a pleading expression.

"You're on your own,pal. No way I'm getting in the middle of this mess!." Emma replied

"Wow, thanks guys,you're very heplful."

"Don't worry dad, I'll make sure I remember you as brave and heroic." Henry joked.

"I'll make sure to bring lots of tissues to your funeral." Emma crowed.

"Ha,ha very funny, you two are not at all helpful." Neal said sarcastically.

"You need to calm down, It's not like she'll actually kill you." Emma exclaimed.

"Well if you look at it, she will humiliate me in some way," Neal argued. "first we take her scotch, she makes us give Henry the talk. Love you Henry. A couple of months ago you accidentally ruined her date with Robin, she puts glue in your shampoo. I scratch her car, who knows what she'll do to me!" Neal cried.

"Once again, you are on your own."

"Dad, what kind of flowers do you want for your funeral." Henry asked.

"Great, you're turning my own son against me, you know what I'm done. I'll be paranoid by myself." Neal stormed off, leaving Emma and Henry to amuse themselves.

Henry smiled, "I love my family." he said fondly.

* * *

**Ok sorry for the jokes, but i don't think they were that bad.**

**please read and review!**

**~Gerynss**


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